


An Algorithm for Astrid

by ZenTango



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Artificial Intelligence, Banter, Diary/Journal, F/F, Medical Experimentation, Moderate nerdy content, POV Sameen Shaw, Restaurants, Romance, Science Fiction, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Shaw does feelings, yummy food
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-01-26 11:44:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 18,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12556680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZenTango/pseuds/ZenTango
Summary: Shaw is faced with either watching her dreams slip away, or taking a risk that could change her in a profound way. She's also spilling her guts, metaphorically speaking. And she's trying very hard not to let a cute lab assistant get into her head, or under her skin. It's not working.





	1. Chapter 1

  
  
**Journal Entry #1**  
I always promised myself I'd never do this. What I'm doing right now. Writing in a journal. Who has time for such petty musings and meditations. Yet, here we are.  
  
I've been asked to keep -- get this -- a "feelings journal." As if writing about my non-existent emotions will encourage me to develop them. Maybe I should just make shit up. Would that satisfy the people who hold my life in their hands right now? You tell me. You are them. The people who asked -- no -- the people who ordered me to keep this dumb-ass journal.  
  
So how am I feeling at this moment? Well, I'm pissed. Pissed that I have to jump through these hoops just to keep my place as a resident at this hospital. Pissed that I had to call my mother yesterday and tell her that I'm on some kind of probation because apparently, I don't show enough emotion toward my patients. She didn't understand of course. How could she?  
  
She's never really been able to comprehend why I don't react the way other people do. Why I don't cry or show sympathy or compassion. Why I didn't even seem to care when my father died. I sat at the funeral like a statue while my Mom wept and trembled. She figured I was in shock but the shock never went away.  
  
I've been like this ever since I can remember. In fact, I never thought there was anything wrong with it. I just thought everyone else was fucked. Hysterical. Out of control. It wasn't until I was older that people told me that I was the weird one. Unfeeling. Inhuman.  
  
Like most people who begin medical school, I started doing research on myself and my symptoms, such as they are. I managed to come up with a diagnosis. It's called an Axis II personality disorder. Anti-social to be exact. Whatever. Not much I can do about it.  
  
All this time, I'd thought I was doing quite well as a doctor-in-training. Everyone kept telling me I had a "brilliant" mind. My marks in med school put me at the top of my class. I didn't really think the social side of things mattered. I didn't make any friends at school. I was too busy studying anyway. And any spare time I had was spent at the gym, working out or learning martial arts. I loved the physical outlet of kicking ass. I still do. Just give me a reason. That's not a threat, by the way. Just an observation. Don't want to get in any more trouble than I'm already in.  
  
So, what do you think. Am I doing what you wanted? Giving you some feelings. Fuck you. How's that for a feeling.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #2**  
I'm being allowed to use the hospital facilities for now, even though I'm under suspension. I can still use the library, my office computer and some of the labs. I just can't treat any patients. This place has hypocrisy coming out of its sterilized ass.  
  
 I've been doing some research of my own, by the way. Maybe I should share some of it with you esteemed gentlemen. Ever heard of a doctor named Emil Freireich? He was a pioneer in developing chemotherapy to treat childhood leukemia. He was described as being anti-social and lacking empathy for his patients. But his work has saved the lives of countless children. Multitudes, in fact. What do you geniuses have to say about that? If he'd worked at this hospital, he'd have been suspended or fired for his lousy bedside manner.  
  
I'm going to read my notes about Dr. Freireich to the panel at my disciplinary hearing tomorrow. Maybe that will convince all of you, or even just some of you, to give me another chance.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #3**  
So I went ahead and read my notes at the hearing today. I was allowed 10 minutes to make a statement so I took the whole 10 minutes. I looked around the table afterwards to gauge the reactions of the board members. Mostly of them just gave me icy stares, although a couple of people just looked bored, or maybe they were falling asleep. There was one doctor who seemed to be listening rather intently, however. He actually seemed interested.  
  
Later on, he found me in the cafeteria. He said he was very interested in my case and may be able to help me. He called it "an opportunity." Then he gave me his number and told me to get in touch with him later on this week. I'm not sure exactly what this is about but I guess I'll give him a call. What have I got to lose?  
  
  
**Journal Entry #4**  
I met with Dr. Percy. He's quite intense and maybe a little flaky. But he says he's talked to the other disciplinary board members and they've agreed to extend my probationary period if I help him with some experimental research he's doing.  
  
It turns out he's interested in my Axis II personality disorder. He says most people with such disorders are not as high-functioning as I am. He wants to do some tests and says we can talk more afterwards. I have to give him my answer on Monday. Really, what the hell? Might as well.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #5**  
So, it looks like I'm working with Dr. Percy for the time being. He took me to his lab and we had a little chat about my case and then he brought in his research assistant to start doing some tests. We began with a medical history and then she took some blood and did the usual bunch of measurements. Then she had me do a series of written tests she called aptitude tests but I know one of them was an IQ test and one was the Meyers-Briggs type indicator. After that she had me write an essay about my life. I kept it short.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #6**  
Yesterday, I went back to the lab and the research assistant -- her name is either Alex or Alice, I wasn't really listening -- gave me some of the results. She wouldn't tell me my IQ, just that I was at or above the 99th percentile. And she said my personality type was ISTJ. She said a bunch of other stuff I didn't care much about and then she left.  
  
Then Dr. Percy came back and told me exactly what his experiment is. He wants to do a surgical procedure on my brain. Yes, really. He thinks he can reverse my disorder. Give me feelings like a real human being. It's a risky procedure and I'm still not sure I believe he can do what he says he can. But apparently, he's spoken with the disciplinary board and the other medical honchos and they say that if I can be "repaired" -- yes, that's the actual word he used -- then they will reconsider my position on staff.  
  
I'm still trying to digest this. Repaired. Meaning I'll have emotions. I'll feel things like other people do. What will that be like? I told Dr. Percy that I need some time to think about this. He told me that he understood perfectly and that he'd give me a couple of weeks to decide if I want to go ahead with it.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #7**  
I've made up my mind. I'm going ahead with it.  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story of Dr. Emil Freireich is recounted in Malcom Gladwell's book "David and Goliath." I thought of it immediately when I saw the scene in POI where Shaw is told she can't be a doctor.


	2. Chapter 2

  
  
**Journal Entry #8**  
I no longer have to submit my journal entries to my supervisor, now that I've given my informed consent to participate in this experiment. But I find it's been rather therapeutic and I quite enjoy writing in here each day, so I'm going to continue with it.  
  
The lab is becoming my second home it seems. I spend most days sitting in a chair with what's-her-name in the white lab coat asking me lots of questions. Some of them, I get. How long have I known about my "condition," as she puts it. What kind of situations affect me emotionally. Do I ever get angry. Do I ever feel irritated.  
  
I say, "Yes. Right now. By you."  
  
She just smiles. She smiles a lot, which is really annoying. She smiles when she's happy, when she's busy, when she's puzzled. What a nut case. A nut case in a white lab coat.  
  
She's puzzled by me, I'm pretty sure. Well, I'm not going to make it easy for her. Examining me. Analysing. Poking and prodding like some kind of nerd-shrink-princess. The more questions she asks me, the less I feel like answering.  
  
Some of the questions are hypothetical. They are about how I'd react if this happened or that. How I'd handle a situation like someone barging in front of me in the line at Starbucks. I tell her I'd handle it with a punch to the kidney. Or a .22. I think this will shock her but it doesn't. She frowns ever so slightly and then smiles and jots something down on her clipboard.  
  
"I'd use a Taser, myself," she says.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #9**  
Today we did something different. Alice comes in -- that's her name, Alice Ginsburg -- and tells me we have to conduct the next few tests "blind."  
  
She puts me in a room with a computer and starts sending me questions by e-mail from her office. The questions are bizarre. First, she sends me some math problems and some logical problems. Then she sends me odd stories with puns and plays on words and asks me questions about the characters. Some sort of reading comprehension test, I guess.  
  
Next, she asks me about what foods I remember from my childhood, which ones I liked and which ones I hated. And do I like strawberries and cream, by the way? I'm starting to lose patience with her questions. I want to get up and leave but I know I have to stay and finish this if I want to keep my residency. So I stay.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #10**  
 More tests today. Back in the little room with the computer, with Alice Ginsburg sending me her ridiculous questions by e-mail. She wants me to write a brief description of my favorite movie, but to do it in a way that makes the movie sound really bad. So I write this: "A Scottish guy grows his hair really long, paints his face blue and then gets his guts ripped out." You know what movie it is? Braveheart.  
  
Finally, we're done with the little room and she takes me back into the lab where she has a chair set up in front of a camera and some other electronic equipment. She puts some sensors on my head and my arm. Smiling again.    
  
Then she starts telling me a story about a turtle. No, wait. A tortoise, she says. She wants me to imagine I'm walking though a hypothetical desert and that I see a hypothetical tortoise on the sand. She tells me to turn the tortoise over on its back. She says the fucking tortoise can't turn back over and it's baking in the hot sun. She tells me its little legs are desperately waving around as it struggles. She's watching me with this weird camera's red light focused on my eyeball, trying to see how I'll react to this hideous little vignette.  
  
So I say, "I'm  turning the damn tortoise back over. I'm a sociopath, not a sadist."  
  
She smiles at me. Then she says -- get this -- "I know you're not a sadist, Sameen. I've already pegged you for the other side of that particular equation."  
  
I just glare at her but it makes no difference. She still smiles.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #11**  
They gave me a date for the surgery. It's the day after tomorrow.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #12**  
It's been a while since I've written in my journal. The operation went well, apparently, but it's taking me a while to recover. Well, it is brain surgery after all. I'll write more later. Need sleep.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #13**  
I've been doing a little bit of exercising. Mostly walking. Dr. Percy says I can get back into the lab next week. Then they will start doing some tests to see how I'm progressing. I'm looking forward to it. I wonder if I will notice my feelings right away. So far, I just feel tired.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #14**  
I spent most of yesterday in the lab. First I had a chat with Dr. Percy, who checked my incision and changed the dressing. Then in comes Alice in her white lab coat, carrying her clipboard. She asks me some general questions about how I'm feeling. Then she asks me if remember this or that. Scribbles more stuff on her clipboard. She doesn't smile much today. I think I see something like concern on her face. But I could be wrong.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #15**  
So this is how today goes.  
  
Alice spends most of the morning taking measurements, checking my blood pressure, that sort of thing.  
  
In the afternoon she gives me some written tests. Short ones. She doesn't want to tire me out. Then after a while, she puts on some dark-rimmed glasses and pulls out the clipboard. Question time again.  
  
Did I like school? Did I have a lot of friends? Did I have any pets? What was my favorite birthday present?  
  
I ask her if she liked school. She smiles and doesn't answer. What's your IQ? I ask her. She takes her glasses off, leans forward and looks right into my face with this lopsided grin.  
  
"You're the subject of this experiment," she says. "Not me."  
  
She looks almost smug. I want to slap her. I ask her why she's always smiling. Is there some kind of cosmic joke that I'm not privy to?  
  
She says, "Yes, there is."  
  
Then she gets up and walks back to her desk, away from me, while I stew over this exchange. I can hear the heels of her boots clicking against the floor as she walks.  
  
She's tall enough already. Why the hell does she need to wear those heels? All they do is make her hips swing more when she walks.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #16**  
She swings her arms when she walks too. Sashaying around the lab like the house madam. Wearing that crisp white lab coat to look all professional but wearing those tight black pants underneath. Black boots with heels. Always smiling and batting her eyelashes at me. I'd like to wipe that smile off her face. I'd like to grab her by those slender shoulders and throw her up against a wall and  ... Oh, never mind.  
  
More tests today, back in the room with the computer.  Math, logic, SAT-type questions. Then, she sends me this one: "Have you ever been accused of something you didn't do?"  
  
I send back my answer. "Yes."  
  
She comes back a few minutes later and says we are done for the day, but she doesn't comment on my test answers. I ask her how I'm doing. Am I progressing? Am I getting better? I want to know. But she just shakes her head and smiles.  
  
"You know I can't tell you the results," she says. "That's up to Dr. Percy."  
  
I get out of the chair and grab her by the arm to make her look me in the eye.  
  
"Please?" I say, making puppy-dog eyes. I don't know why I thought this would work. She sets her jaw like she knows I'm playing her, then turns and walks away without answering me.  
  
Maybe I should just knock her on that shapely little ass of hers. Then we'll see how much smiling she wants to do.  
  



	3. Chapter 3

  
  
**Journal Entry #17**  
Today we are back to the electrodes on the head and that weird infra-red camera. Alice makes me sit still for about 20 minutes while she hooks up all the sensors. I hate having to sit still. She knows I hate it and tries to calm me. She has a way of doing this. She puts her hand on my shoulder, not too hard and not too gentle. She leans in and talks softly while she's working, and she tells me everything she's doing and why.   
  
I sit still and put up with it all, but I don't say much in response as she works. She just smiles and says something about doctors making the worst patients.   
  
She smells nice. I didn't notice that before. Her lab coat is very crisp and clean and sometimes she wears her hair down and it looks really nice against the lab coat. Why the hell am I writing all this?  
  
She looks at me very intently while she's asking the questions. She asks me if I think the Meyers-Briggs test is valuable in terms of analyzing emotional relationships between professional colleagues.  
  
"You mean like people working on a team?" I ask.  
  
"Yes," she says. "Or even in romantic relationships."  
  
I tell her I don't think it matters at work. You work with whatever or whomever you must. You are a team so you find a way. She says that's exactly what a sensing-thinking type would say.   
  
Was that a dig? I wonder.  
  
"It's a fact," I say. "Are you disagreeing?"  
  
She just laughs and tosses her head as she begins removing the wires for the sensors.  
  
"I'm a thinking type too," she says. "We have that much in common. What about the romantic relationship?"  
  
I say: "What about it?"  
  
She smiles and gives me an indulgent look.   
  
She starts telling me about how dating sites work -- how they all use a standard algorithm to match people based on their personality types as well as their interests. Then she says something weird. She says: "By the way, I'm a Pisces."   
  
She winks at me and walks away. I'm pretty sure she's flirting with me.    
  
  
 **Journal Entry #18**  
Now I know she's flirting with me. She touches my wrist lightly and smiles. She acts like she knows things about me. Well, OK, I guess she does know things about me. But I haven't done anything to encourage her. Have I?  
  
Today, I sat down with Dr. Percy (and Alice too, of course) for a general overview of the experiment. He explained what will be happening over the coming weeks and months. Alice will monitor my progress using a computer model she's obviously really fucking proud of herself for creating. She gave me a power-point presentation that explained her methodology and also introduced the computer model, which she named Astrid. Seriously, she gave it a human name and she even put up a picture of some old Scandinavian goddess. Hello Astrid. Did you know your creator is bat-shit crazy?  
  
Anyway, it seems she created Astrid to emulate my Axis II personality disorder and then she coded in one of those algorithms she's always going on about, so that she can compare my progress with Astrid's, and vice-versa.  
  
I asked her how that works when it comes to brain surgery. Did Dr. Percy give the computer model brain surgery as well? She smiled in that indulgent way and tilted her head to one side. She said she used another specific algorithm for that particular "adjustment" to Astrid's "psyche."  
  
Then she said algorithms are just a step-by-step list of instructions that a computer follows in order to solve a problem. She said a bunch of other nerdy stuff but I wasn't listening anymore.  
  
Dr. Percy seemed to notice my eyes glazing over, so he said that was enough for today and tomorrow we'd start with the routine daily tests. I have to do these tests regularly for the next 12 months. OK, then. I'll be seeing Alice, and hearing about Astrid, every day for the next year. I think I can handle it.  
  
  
 **Journal Entry #19**  
Today Alice gave me some new questions. She started asking me about my father and writing down my responses on that clipboard. One of the questions was something like, "When was the first time you remember disappointing your father?"  
  
I wanted to grab her clipboard and break it over her head. But instead, I just glared at her. I was hoping that would give her the message to back off on the father stuff. The thing is, I think she actually likes it when I glare at her. Anyway, she just sat there quietly, waiting. Finally I just told her "Pass."  
  
She raised an eyebrow at me and then scribbled something on her clipboard. I'd like to see that clipboard. I'd like to see her out of that lab coat too. I wonder if she lives alone or with someone else.

  
  
**Journal Entry #20**  
Today, when Alice started asking me questions, I responded by asking her questions. I asked her if she lives alone and she said: "Sort of." Then she looked down, like she was embarrassed.   
  
What does that mean, I wonder. I asked her if her parents were alive and she said "No." Then I asked her if she'd go out for dinner with me. She looked a little surprised, then just shook her head.   
  
"Why not?" I asked.  
  
"Because you are a patient and it wouldn't be ethical," she said.  
  
"What if I wasn't a patient?" I asked. "Then would you?"  
  
She said: "Pass."  
  
Just then, Dr. Percy came in. He and Alice went into her office and shut the door. I could hear them talking but couldn't make out what they were saying. I'm guessing it was about me. A few minutes later, they came out of the office and Alice left the lab. Dr. Percy told me I could go. I hope I didn't get her into trouble.  
  



	4. Chapter 4

  
  
**Journal Entry #21**  
  
I guess I did get Alice into trouble. She hasn't been back since our little Q and A session last week. Instead I get Dr. Percy asking me questions in his flat monotone. He's not as pretty as Alice and he's not as gentle when he hooks up the sensors. He doesn't smell as nice either.  
  
We go through the usual series of tests and then I ask him what happened to Alice. He says she's taking some time off. I try to find out more but he's not very forthcoming. Finally, he says something like, "Have you developed some feelings for Ms. Ginsburg?"  
  
What? Feelings? What's he talking about? Is that what this is? This weird aching in my gut like I ate a bad burrito? He looks at me for a while and then he must realize something's wrong because he gets up and fetches me a glass of water. He tells me he's sorry. Sorry for what? This is all very strange. He sends me home after that.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #22**  
Alice was back today. She didn't say anything about why she was away, but she and Dr. Percy were in her office with the door closed for about half an hour when I first came in. This is going to sound really fucked up, but when the door opened and she walked out, I thought my heart was going to leap right out of my chest.  
  
She came over and sat down. Then she smiled and took my wrist and started taking my pulse. She gave me a funny look. Her eyes are so warm and brown. I smiled back. She looked away. What the fuck? Maybe she doesn't really like me. She's stopped flirting with me. Maybe Dr. Percy told her to. Damn him.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #23**  
Today, Dr. Percy hung around for a while helping Alice run her tests. Then he suddenly got up and told Alice to continue with her routine and then he left the lab. I answered questions for about 10 minutes and then I asked Alice out for dinner again. This time she said yes. She said YES!  
  
Where should I take her? Maybe that nice Italian place. Or maybe that new steakhouse uptown. I hear they do a filet mignon that's better than sex. Well, that's what people tell me, anyway. I should make a reservation.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #24**  
I'm going to try to write down everything that happened. Everything I can remember anyway. So here goes.  
  
I picked Alice up at her apartment. When she answered the door I almost forgot to breathe. She looked like a million bucks. She was wearing this slinky black number with her hair up. I noticed she had a little cat in her apartment. That must be who she lives with. I didn't see anyone else in there.  
  
We took a cab to the steakhouse and I managed to get us a table in a quiet corner and ordered us a nice bottle of wine. I also ordered us both the lobster bisque as a starter, which seemed to please her.  I couldn't help noticing her hands when she held her wine glass. She has beautiful hands with long, slender fingers. We talked a bit but she seemed more reserved than before, almost shy.  
  
Finally, I asked her what was wrong.  
  
"Nothing's wrong," she said, giving me a smile that seemed a little forced.  
  
I said, "No, something has changed. Before you were really flirty with me and now you seem shy and nervous. Did I do something to upset you?"  
  
Her eyes registered a pained look for a brief second. Then she looked away, like she was thinking about what to say, and then she looked back at me and sighed.  
  
"No. You didn't do anything wrong."  
  
Oh God. I held my breath. I thought for sure the next thing she was going to say would be: "It's not you. It's me."  
  
But instead, she started telling me that there was stuff happening at the lab. Things that I didn't know about, didn't understand.  
  
I reached across the table and gently took her hand. "So help me understand," I said.  
  
Her eyes met mine and something in them changed for just a moment. I felt something warm deep inside me that gave me the courage to keep going.  
  
"I really like you," I said. "I want to get to know you better."  
  
She smiled back and this time it looked genuine.  
  
"I like you too, Sameen," she said. "But, I just don't want to..."  
  
She stopped for a moment, like she couldn't decide what to say.  
  
"What is it?" I asked, leaning forward.  
  
She took in a breath and leaned in a bit more over the table.  
  
"It's Hap," she said.  
  
"Hap?"  
  
"Dr. Percy."  
  
"What about him?"  
  
"You don't know," she shook her head. "He watches."  
  
"What?"  
  
"He watches you. Us. On a hidden camera. He might even be watching us right now."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because he wants to know everything you're feeling. He refers to you as his tabula rasa."  
  
"Tabouleh? He thinks of me as a parsley salad?"  
  
"No," she smiled a little and shook her head. "Tabula rasa. It means you are like a blank slate. He thinks of you as someone he can generate emotions for, then magnify and manipulate them."  
  
"That's ridiculous," I told her. "I'm not blank. And I'm not a slate or a slave or a computer. I can feel or not feel as I choose."  
  
She just looked at me for a moment, without replying. Then I realized what was going on.  
  
"He told you to have dinner with me."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And he wants you to report back to him."  
  
She nodded. Then she looked down at her hands.  
  
"I'm sorry, Sameen. I can't do this with you. It's not right."  
  
She started to get up but I was right there, at her side, taking her by the hand again. I convinced her to sit down.  
  
"We can deal with him," I said. "We'll do it together. OK?"  
  
"How?" she asked.  
  
"First, we enjoy our dinner," I answered as the bisque arrived at the table. "Leave the rest to me."


	5. Chapter 5

  
  
**Journal Entry #25**  
  
We did have a nice dinner that evening, by the way. Afterwards, I took Alice home and said goodnight at her door, giving her a rather chaste kiss on the cheek. The next day at work we were friendly with each other but kept things professional. Dr. Percy came in a few times, supposedly to check on this or that, but I knew he was just being nosy. Mid-morning, he and Alice went into her office for a meeting, then he emerged about five minutes later and left the lab.  
  
I had lunch with Alice in the noisy hospital cafeteria. Strangely enough, it was easier to talk there, because we knew Dr. Percy couldn't hear what we were saying, even if he was watching. Alice told me she was still reluctant to get involved with me. She said we didn't know each other very well.  
  
I said, "Are you kidding? After all those tests and questions? You know me better than anyone."  
  
She laughed and said she had to admit I had a point. We agreed to use code words when in the lab. For instance, whenever she's following instructions from Dr. Percy, she will say the word "Absolutely." And whenever I'm performing for Percy's benefit during a test, I will make a fist with my left hand and tap it against my thigh or against the top of the desk, like a hammer. I call that one "Hammer Time."   
  
We also made plans for another dinner date but this one will be across town, well away from the hospital, at a Chinese place Alice likes. She says this is where she goes when she wants to escape Hap's prying eyes. She has some other places too. She says she'll tell me about them when the time is right. I can't wait.   
  
  
**Journal Entry #26**  
Alice was right about the Chinese place. The food was fantastic (and inexpensive) and the place was bustling but not too noisy. She must go there fairly often because the wait staff seemed to know her. She ordered us some delicious spring rolls, hot and sour soup and some moo shu pork that was to fucking die for. Also, some sweet and sour shrimp, dumplings and lo mein. Yum. I ate more than I meant to but she didn't seem to care. She seemed to like watching me enjoy my food. After we finished, she went to grab the check but I beat her to it. She said she'll get it next time. Next time!  
  
We had a chance to chat more over dinner, which was nice. She told me a bit about herself, although she parcels out these bits in meager portions. She's a couple of years older than I am and says she's lived "all over" but when I tried to pin her down, she would only say that she's originally from a small place in Texas. She didn't want to talk much about that, saying she was a "different person" then.  
  
"And who are you now?" I asked.   
  
She just smiled and said, "I'm who I want to be when I'm with you."  
  
Good answer.  
  
We decided we should go home separately after dinner but I wasn't quite ready to say goodnight so we went for a walk in the park. We soon found ourselves under a little bridge and that was where we kissed, for real this time. She held my face in her hands while we kissed. She kisses really nice. Soft and slow and gentle. After a while, she rested her forehead on mine and said we should stop. Then she slipped from my arms, walked away and went down the steps to the subway.   
  
  
**Journal Entry #27**  
It was really weird going in to work today and seeing Alice again, after what happened last night. We had to pretend not to be as involved as we are. Just friendly. She walked in, wearing that sexy lab coat again, and started with the usual questions and tests. I had to make an effort not to make too much eye contact because every time I looked at her, I thought about kissing her. She was trying not to make eye contact with me as well. Is she thinking about the same thing?  
  
  
 **Journal Entry #28**  
Today we put the next part of my plan into action. We want Dr. Percy to think that we are not "an item" anymore. So Alice is a little stand-offish with me and I act disinterested in her. This is much harder than I thought it would be. The more she acts like she isn't into me, the more I want her. I mean I really, really want her. Bad.  
  
But I act like I don't care and I tap my fist on my thigh a bit, just to let Alice know that I'm crazy about her. She takes my pulse, takes a blood sample, then hooks me up to the sensors, gently brushing my hair away from the back of my neck.   
  
"Almost done?" I ask her. Hammer, hammer, hammer.  
  
"Absolutely," she says, as she lets one long finger drag across my neck, sending a chill down my spine.  
  
Later on, Dr. Percy enters the lab and gives us both a funny look. Then he calls Alice into the office for one of their little powwows. This one only lasts about five minutes. When he comes out he looks at me again for just a second. I think the look he's giving me is sympathy. Who knows what he's thinking now. Alice walks out behind him and for a second I think she's going to wink at me, but she doesn't. In fact, she doesn't make eye contact with me again for the rest of the day. That's OK. I'm seeing her later.  
  
  
 **Journal Entry #29**  
Last night I met Alice at this swanky sushi restaurant uptown. We shared a yummy tempura appetizer with shrimp and then I had this delectable tuna hand roll and then I ordered some unagi but Alice said she wasn't very keen on eel.  
  
I was feeling rather adventurous so I decided to order some fugu. Alice asked me what that was and then started to laugh when I told her it was blowfish. I thought she was laughing because of the sexual connotation but then she explained that Blowfish was a particular type of algorithm. Then she started with the nerdy stuff again. I never thought I'd be dating a computer nerd. She is a pretty cute one, mind you. Maybe I've been missing something all these years.  
  
She started telling me more about Astrid, the digital mini-me. She explained how Astrid registers emotions, records them and then catalogues and sends them to Alice. Alice then compares Astrid's feelings to mine. Apparently, Astrid is an emotional basket case compared to me. Yesterday, for instance, Astrid was ecstatic, then worried, then envious.  
  
"Envious of what?" I asked.  
  
"Not what. Whom."  
  
I shook my head. I didn't get it. Then Alice explained that Astrid seemed a little jealous of my relationship with her. At first I thought she was kidding, but she was serious. Yikes.  
  
"She's not going to shove me out the pod bay doors, is she?" I asked.  
  
Alice just laughed and said she'd code in a little bit of "perspective" to help Astrid deal. I said maybe she should code in some mood-stabilizing meds while she's at it.   
  
When the blowfish came, Alice was reluctant to try it but I told her she could trust me. I ate some first, then she agreed to go ahead and try some herself. She was so adorable. Whenever she tried to eat it, she kept getting the giggles. It was so funny. I guess the sake gave us both the giggles.   
  
Somehow we ended up back at my place. Alice was telling me that I have become much more open and expressive than when we first met. She said I should keep a journal of my feelings. I almost laughed out loud. Keep a journal. I mean, really. How quaint.  
  
"OK then," she said. "Just keep a little notebook and jot down whenever you notice a new feeling."  
  
"Like what?" I said.  
  
"Well, what are you feeling right now?" she asked.   
  
She was sitting so close to me on my couch. What was I feeling? Let's see. Warm. Light-headed. Overwhelmed. Excited. Intoxicated. Infatuated.   
  
"Wow," she said. "That's a lot of feelings for one night."  
  
I didn't answer. I was too busy kissing her. She began to moan, which turned me on even more so I pushed her down on the couch and then the couch wasn't big enough so we groped our way to the bedroom and then we ripped our clothes off and then she was mine. Is mine. Alice is mine.  
  
  
 


	6. Chapter 6

**Journal Entry #30**  
  
What do you want, details? That's not really my style. Let's just say there was plenty of sucking. And gasping and moaning and kissing and writhing. Her body felt so incredibly perfect in my arms. Her voice so bewitching as she whispered to me. It's like she has me under her spell. But I think I have her under mine as well. Everything between us just feels so ... powerful.  
  
This isn't something I've ever felt before so I'm not really sure how to describe it, let alone handle it. I just know that when we woke up together this morning, I didn't want her to leave. But she did. Eventually. After the sun came up. I offered to make her breakfast but she said she didn't want to be late to the lab. So I followed her to the door and kissed her goodbye and then she walked out into the cool morning air. Here's a new feeling. I'm in love.  
  
  
 **Journal Entry #31**  
I'm just sitting here, with my morning coffee. Relaxing on my balcony and enjoying the beautiful view and the quiet. The sky is nice and clear and the air so cool. I just feel so awake and alive.  Oh, and I decided to make a list of all the things I love about Alice.  
  
1\. She's really, really smart.  
  
2\. She has a great, witty, ironic and dry sense of humour.  
  
3\. She's really good at her job.  
  
4\. She has a sexy smile.  
  
5\. Sexy eyes too. Big. Brown. Eyes.  
  
6\. That sexy, gorgeous hair.  
  
7\. That body! Slim waist, long legs, long gorgeous hands and a great ass.  
  
8\. Did I mention how gorgeous her hair is?  
  
9\. That sexy, sexy nose.  
  
10\. Who looks that good with glasses on?  
  
Darn, that's 10 already. I forgot to mention her sexy voice and the way she arches her eyebrow when she's talking to me.  And the soft, tender way she kisses. Mmmm. Well, I'd better go get ready for work now. Don't want to keep her waiting.  
  
  
 **Journal Entry #32**  
When I got to the lab, I didn't see Alice at all. Dr. Percy was there, however. He told me he wanted to do some deep, detailed analysis of my emotions. Delve into the feelings, he said. That's the actual word he used. Delve. He said he understood that Alice and I weren't seeing each other anymore and he wanted to know how I felt about that. Of course, he couldn't ask Alice to interview me about this, so he was stepping in to take over the research, just for today.  
  
What could I say? I let him ask me a bunch of nosy questions about my feelings for Alice, such as what were my feelings before and what are they like now. What did I like about her? How close did I feel we'd become? Why did we break up? How did I feel about it? And on and on and on.  
  
Of course I tamped down my emotions, which was harder than I thought it would be. I told him that I liked Alice but after we'd spent some time together we realized we had little in common. That's all. It was a mutual decision to end things. A mutual break-up. He gave me this frown and his mouth moved up at the side.   
  
Then he took me into the little room for some of those e-mail tests with the puns and odd stories. I sat quietly at the computer, alone in the room, and answered the e-mails as best I could.  I wanted to get finished so I could go and find Alice, wherever the hell she was.  
  
Just as I was finishing, I heard a little electronic bell and was quite startled to see a small window pop up at the bottom of my screen. It had never done that before. The window had just one word in it.   
  
Liar.  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Journal Entry #33**  
  
Alice seemed rather perplexed when I told her about the pop-up window later on. We were sitting in a little pizza joint near the college campus, sharing a margherita pizza and a half-pitcher of draft.   
  
"Did Dr. Percy see the pop-up?" she asked me, with a slight frown.  
  
"No," I said. "He was in the other office at the time. Do you think he sent it to me?"  
  
She shook her head. "I hope not," she said. "That would mean he's on to us. And if he were, why would he tip his hand? It makes no sense."  
  
"You didn't send it, did you?" I asked, then immediately added, "As a joke, maybe?"  
  
"No, of course not," she answered, looking a little taken aback. "Why would I do that?"  
  
God, I'm such an idiot sometimes. Why indeed.  
  
"Sorry," I quickly replied. "Stupid question."   
  
She looked at me for a second, then looked down at her beer, deep in thought.  
  
"I think I know who sent it," she said after a while. "But I'll need to check a couple of things at the lab tomorrow to make sure."  
  
"You think it was Astrid."  
  
She sighed. "Yes."  
  
"I thought you tweaked her little jealousy problem."  
  
"I did. But it looks like I'll have to tweak a little harder."  
  
I leaned in and kissed her. She tasted like beer and smelled like white musk and violets. We went back to her place and made love for hours before falling asleep.   
  
When I woke up in the morning, it took me a few minutes to realize we had slept in. Sunlight bathed the entire bedroom and I felt Alice stir as I tried to roll over in the bed. Her arms were wrapped around my body and she was spooning me. I've never actually been spooned before. Spooning is nice. I didn't want her to stop but I didn't want her to be late for work either. I told her we'd slept in.  
  
"It's OK," she said, kissing the back of my shoulder. "Hap is out of town on business today. We can go in late. He won't know, or care."  
  
"Where'd he go?" I asked her.  
  
"I'm not sure. He just takes off about once a month and I have the lab to myself."  
  
She kissed me again and then got up and went into the shower. Her cat jumped up on the bed and sat there, watching me with unblinking eyes.   
  
"What's your cat's name?" I asked her when she emerged from the shower, toweling her hair.  
  
"Schrodinger," she replied.  
  
"You named your cat after the piano-playing kid in the Peanuts cartoons?"  
  
"Not Schroeder," she laughed. "Schrodinger."  
  
The cat stared at me. I stared back. It occurred to me that the cat has already decided I'm not worthy of his mistress. Certainly not worthy of fucking her and waking up in her bed. I waited until Alice turned around to open her closet doors before pushing the cat off the bed.  
  
A few minutes later, Alice came over and sat down next to me.  
  
"Come on," she said. "I'll buy you brunch."  
  
Well OK then.  
  
  
 **Journal Entry #34**  
We went to a little bistro on the corner and Alice bought me eggs benedict with hash browns. I was ravenous.   
  
There wasn't much for me to do once we got to the lab, since Alice was busy for most of the afternoon working on Astrid's programming. I could hear her tapping madly on the keys of her computer as she worked, and then after about an hour or two of that, she came out of her office with a pronounced frown on her face.  
  
"Let's go get a coffee," she said. She obviously needed a break from Astrid.  
  
When we sat down at our table in the cafeteria, I asked her how things were going. She just shook her head.  
   
"Some of my coding has been altered," she said. "Either there's some kind of weird glitch with my computer, or..."  
  
"Or what?"  
  
She put down her coffee.  
  
"It's almost as if..." she frowned again. "No, it can't be."  
  
She looked at me intently.  
  
"I think Astrid has been modifying her own programming," she said.  
  
"Um, that's kind of creepy."  
  
"You're telling me."  
  
"Well, why don't you just shut her down then?"  
  
She smiled at me and tilted her head.  
  
"That would undermine the entire experiment," she said, before quickly stopping herself, her eyes betraying her horror at the faux pas she'd just committed.  
  
"The entire experiment?" I asked, letting loose my outrage. "What the fuck? I thought I was the subject of this study. You make it sound like Astrid is the important person here."  
  
"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean..."  
  
I got up from the table but this time it was Alice grabbing my wrist, imploring me to sit back down and give her another chance.  
  
"Sameen, I'm sorry," she repeated. "Of course it's you who's the important one. Astrid is not a person."  
  
"She seems to think she is."  
  
"Seems. That's the key word," Alice replied. "Astrid is just a series of numbers in a precise pattern. I'll fix her. OK?"  
  
"What about me? Are you fixing me too?" I asked.  
  
I realized how hostile and petulant that sounded but I just couldn't help it. Alice looked concerned, worried. She squeezed my hand. I looked away. I felt so angry and confused and well, jealous.  
  
What the fuck is happening to me?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
.


	8. Chapter 8

  
  
**Journal Entry #35**  
  
I felt terrible after my outburst in the cafeteria. It was very embarrassing and, like I said, confusing for me. I don't remember ever feeling so insecure and vulnerable. Not when it comes to a romantic relationship with a woman, anyway. And certainly not because of a stupid computer.  
  
I could tell Alice felt bad too. She decided to shut down the lab for the day, saying we'd get back to work on Monday. We went for a walk in the park together and she apologized again for being insensitive to my feelings. I told her that it never would have bothered me before but now, well, it does.  
  
Then she told me she wanted to take me to dinner, since it was Friday evening and we deserved a night out. She called it a peace offering.  
  
The restaurant she took me to was this really expensive, fancy place uptown. I'm not sure how she could afford such a place on a research assistant's salary. I asked her about it, as politely as possible, but she just smiled and said, "I have my ways."  
  
I ordered this amazing appetizer -- beef carpaccio with asparagus -- and then for my entree I had duck l'orange, which was exquisite, and Parisien potatoes.  
  
We talked quite a bit, mostly about what was going on with Astrid. I'm not sure if any of the other diners could hear us, but they probably would have thought we were talking about a person. A very demanding, emotionally volatile person.  
  
It struck me that Alice was rather protective of Astrid. That made sense, considering that Astrid was her creation. But I still had some questions.  
  
The waiter brought our dessert -- creme brulee -- and two spoons. It was delectable. We ate in silence for a few minutes, then I decided to go ahead and ask Alice a question that had been on my mind.  
  
"What made you choose that name?"  
  
For a brief second, Alice's eyes registered something like panic.  
  
"What name?" she asked, almost defensively.  
  
"Astrid," I said. What name did she think I was asking about?  
  
"Oh," she said, seeming slightly relieved. "Astrid, right. I just wanted a name that sounded feminine, but strong and divine as well. It means beautiful goddess."  
  
"You think of her as a goddess?"  
  
"Sort of."  
  
"But why did you decide she should be female?"  
  
She gave me that smile and explained that it's actually traditional for computers to be female. She told me that back in the 1930s, the word computer referred not to a machine, but to a person who performed computations, using algorithms, of course. And back then, most of the people who did that work were women.  
  
Huh. I didn't know that. But let's face it, Alice is a veritable encyclopedia when it comes to computers. She told me that in the _Star Trek_ series, the ship's computer was voiced by a woman, and just what did I think of that?  
  
I took a sip of my coffee and said _Star Trek_ is just a TV show. She smiled and said that was true, but that many of the technical gadgets that were portrayed in the show back in the 1960s are things that we now use every day without even thinking about it. Then she reeled off a list of examples. For instance, she said, our modern-day cellphones are similar to the hand-held communicators the crew used. The automatic sliding doors on the ship, the voice command interface on the computer ...  
  
"What about the transporter?" I asked. "They haven't invented that yet."  
  
"Suppose they did invent one," she replied with a smile, leaning forward with her elbow on the table and her hand under her chin. "Would you ever use it to go somewhere new? Say a wild, savage, untamed planet?"  
  
Trust Alice to deflect with another one of her hypothetical questions. I paused for a second, then smiled back.  
  
"I would if you were there waiting for me."  
  
A couple of hours later, we were in her bed again, with me doing the spooning this time. I could smell the scent of her hair as I left kisses along her neck and shoulders and I could hear her making noises of pleasure as I did it. She felt so soft and nice. I nestled my foot against the curve of her calf and drew circles on her side just below her rib cage, lightly, with my fingertips, listening to her gasp. Then I moved my hand lower and reached inside her. She liked it. A lot.  
  
She began to moan but I took my time, caressing her, feeling her move against me, letting her meander along the edge for a while before bringing her to orgasm. She cried out, almost breathless, then rolled over on top of me, holding down my wrists on the pillow as she kissed me, then slowly, so slowly, she began moving down, her hungry mouth feasting on me. My hands tangled in her hair, I shuddered and moaned, then abandoned myself to her.  
  
Afterwards, we just lay there, snuggled together, with me kissing her neck. She tasted so good. I felt so good. It just all felt so ... well, perfect. I just couldn't hold back any longer. I had to tell her.  
  
"Alice..." I said.  
  
"Mmm."  
  
"I love you."  
  
She didn't answer right away. Then, after a while, she spoke.  
  
"My name's not Alice," she said.  
  
"What?"  
  
She repeated what she'd said. I sat up, feeling like a knife had been plunged into my chest.  
  
"What?" I could feel everything roiling inside me. Anger, betrayal, confusion... "What?"  
  
"Please, Sameen, don't be upset. I promise I will tell you everything."  
  
"You fucking lied to me about your name?"  
  
"It's not like that," she said, as I began grabbing my clothes and pulling them on. "It has nothing to do with you."  
  
"Nothing to do with me?" I asked, stunned.    
  
She was making it worse. Pleading with me to give her a chance to explain. I didn't want to hear it. I shoved her away as I headed for the door, with her following me, telling me not to leave.  
  
The cat was sitting next to the door, looking smug.  
  
I opened the door and stepped out. Just before I closed it, I could hear the cat's triumphant "meow" of farewell. Then, as I headed down the stairs, I could hear Alice -- or whatever her name is -- calling after me. I didn't turn back.  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This interesting tidbit of history about the original computers being female is found in David Leavitt's biography of Alan Turing, "The Man who Knew Too Much" pp.54-55.  
> There's an episode of POI where Finch is arguing with Root and he says, in that dry way of his, that her choice of the female pronoun in referring to The Machine is "illuminating."  
> I immediately took his comment as a reference to Root's sexuality. But I wonder if it also could have been meant as an acknowledgement of her grasp of history, when it comes to the origin of computers. Finch had already picked up on her use of aliases, such as Turing, which were basically her winking tributes to the pioneers of computer science. Clever. Both of them.


	9. Chapter 9

  
  
**Journal Entry #36**  
  
I spent most of yesterday holed up in my apartment, feeling miserable, drinking whiskey straight out of the bottle and listening to Amy WInehouse's second album over and over as tears streamed down my face. Love is a losing game. Yes it is. How could she have lied to me? Especially about something as fundamental as her name. Damn her and her smile and her brown eyes and her lies. Damn you Alice.  
  
I was still in my pajamas at about 4 o'clock in the afternoon when I heard a strange thud on the sliding door of my balcony. When I went out there to investigate, I noticed a small medical instrument lying there -- a reflex hammer. Wrapped around the handle were several pieces of paper, folded together into a tight strip so they'd fit around it, and fastened with an elastic band.  
  
Picking it up, I peered over the balcony to see who'd thrown it, but there was no one around. Hmm. I went back inside and unfurled the paper. It was a hand-written letter. Five pages in total. I decided to make myself a cup of tea before reading it.  
  
Once I had my tea, I curled up on the couch and smoothed out the letter. As I read it, the life and the deepest feelings of the woman I knew as Alice poured out. She wanted me to know who she really was. She had secrets she'd kept from everyone, until now. But there was something about me that made her want to take the risk of revealing them. She thought I was worth it. She hoped I'd understand.  
  
She told me that her life had never been easy but it changed drastically for the worse when she was 12. That's when her closest friend, a girl named Hannah, was abducted and murdered. She went on for quite a while about this girl, who seemed to be a romantic interest that went unrequited. But the story got worse. She knew who had taken Hannah -- the man who drove off with her in his car -- and she'd tried to report it, but no one would listen. When she pushed harder in an effort to get someone to help, she was denounced as an attention-seeking troublemaker and a liar.  
  
She'd always felt different. But after this happened, she felt like a switch had been flicked over inside her. If everyone thought of her as evil, devious and deceptive, she might as well just embrace it. She found out soon afterwards that subterfuge came easily to her. Possibly because she was way smarter than most people.  
  
She also had certain talents and was able to quickly develop her skills. Most of those talents and skills were digital, she said. She used that word -- "digital." She meant computers, of course, but she also meant that she was very good with her hands and she was a fast learner. She realized she was one of those extremely rare people who could do anything and go anywhere. And she did.  
  
But first, she had to tie up some loose ends. The most important one was the man who had taken Hannah. She knew he'd killed her friend but no body was ever found. That really gnawed at her, deep inside. So she found a way to have him taken care of. She didn't really explain how she did it, but it was clear that whatever arrangements she made ended with this man being killed.  
  
I was stunned to read this, although I had little pity for her victim. I put the letter down. What was she telling me exactly? Was this a confession? Did she want some kind of absolution from me? As much as I wanted to tear up the letter, I was riveted by the story. Lots of people fantasize about taking revenge, but to actually go ahead and do it? That takes some balls.  
  
It seems once she made up her mind to dispense with any moral code, there was no stopping her. She moved from place to place, taking on different identities, shedding them like a snake sheds its skin. Alice Ginsburg was one of them.  
  
She became a virtuoso hacker, which was like finding the keys to the universe and then unlocking it. She said in the letter that she had hacked into multitudes of computer systems, downloading data, uploading viruses, creating havoc and mayhem where she wished. It was power. It was a sword of justice. It was a badge of honor. She wasn't going to apologize or repent for anything she'd done. She had enjoyed it.  
  
But now, she said, something had changed. She had opened another door and started down a darker path. She didn't want to say what it was. Just that there were opportunities for someone like her. It never occurred to her not to take an opportunity. She said that's what separates most people -- ordinary people -- from people like her. Ordinary people don't recognize opportunities and even if they do, they don't have the courage to seize them.  
  
She was in the middle of seizing one when she met me in Dr. Percy's lab. She was working on a contract, she said, without elaborating. At first, she thought of me as an interesting case. But the more she got to know me, the more she found herself drawn to me.  
  
She said that like her, I was different from most people. But she was also fascinated by my willingness to undergo something as extreme as experimental surgery just so that I could be a doctor. Despite the way I'd been dismissed by my superiors, despite the fact that people didn't think I could be a physician because of my emotional limitations, I wanted to heal people. She said that was so amazing to her. For so long, she'd seen humanity as "bad code" -- violent, predictable, futile and ugly. But now she saw something beautiful. A straight line. An arrow. Me.  
  
I took a breath. The rest of the letter was a profession of her love for me. She said she'd do anything for me. She'd leave town in a heartbeat if that was what I wanted. But she hoped I would come back to her. She wanted to show me that her feelings for me were real -- as real as my feelings had become.  
  
I swallowed hard as I got to the end of her letter. She loved me.  
  
The letter was signed with one word -- the name she had chosen for herself.  
  
Root.  
   
  



	10. Chapter 10

  
**Journal Entry #37**  
  
I must have read and re-read Root's letter 30 times. The depth of her feelings left me genuinely moved. She had basically laid bare her soul to me, spilling all her secrets. And while I guess some people might consider it naive, I didn't doubt a single word she'd written. Thinking back to the nights we'd spent together and the intimacy we'd shared, I believed her. There was nothing fake about any of it. Despite all the bullshit and all the ugliness of the world around us, we'd managed to find each other. It was real.  
  
By late Sunday afternoon I had made my way over to Root's place. I took the reflex hammer and flung it at her window. Her face soon appeared at the same window and it didn't take her long to locate me, standing in the park across the street from her apartment. I sat down on a bench and waited, holding the flower I'd brought -- a single red rose. A few minutes later she emerged, dressed in a dark wool jacket, with a blue scarf around her neck. She saw me and began walking over. I got up from the bench and just stood there, holding up the flower in front of me.  
  
"Is that for me?" she asked, with a tentative smile.  
  
"If you want it."  
  
She moved closer and reached out toward me, but instead of taking the flower, she took my hand in hers.  
  
"Of course I do."  
  
She leaned in gently and kissed me, still holding my hand in hers. It felt like I was melting into her long body as my arms slipped around her. Soon, her arms were around me as well and I could feel the stem of the rose and its soft petals brushing against the back of my neck. We shared a long, tender kiss, just standing there like that in the park, and then she asked me to come inside.  
  
We spent the next few hours in bed, having make-up sex. Make-up sex is really, really nice. Especially late on a Sunday afternoon and into the evening, when you really don't have anything else to do and nowhere else to be. We cuddled and talked for a while afterwards. I was still trying to get used to the name Root. I asked her what it meant. She said it was a computer term referring to a super-user account -- a person who has complete control over a network. Really, it was like a gatekeeper, she said with a smile. But she also liked the other connotations of the word.  
  
"It's a good word," I said, lightly stroking her face with the back of my fingers. "Multiple meanings."  
  
"Multiple. That would be a good name for you."  
  
"Shhhh," I laughed, pulling her tighter into my arms. "Don't even go there. I am so beyond spent right now. Besides, I like my name."  
  
"I like it too."  
  
She rubbed her nose against mine and we kissed for a while. Her lips were so soft.  
  
"I love you," I told her.  
  
"Even knowing what you do about me?" she asked. "I'm not exactly an angel. I've done things."  
  
"Who hasn't?"  
  
She was silent for a while, then she lifted her head and looked at me intently.  
  
"I wish I'd known you before."  
  
I didn't know what to say to that. She didn't really seem like the wishing type to me.  
  
"If we'd met before, who knows what it would have been like?" I answered her. "It probably would have been the wrong time and the wrong place. Anyway, it doesn't matter. We're here now."  
  
Just then my stomach growled and we both laughed.  
  
"Someone's hungry," Root said. "Let's go get something to eat."  
  
We got dressed and made our way to a gourmet burger joint down the street. The menu was a little overwhelming. It had 23 different burgers on it, including some that were named for Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.  
  
"The Sneezy Burger?" I remarked out loud. "That's just gross."  
  
Root giggled. "I've had Grumpy," she said. "It's not bad."  
  
"What's on that one?" I asked.  
  
"Bacon, onions, sour cream and crab-apple jam," she replied.  
  
"Hhhm. I think I'll go with Dopey."  
  
"Good choice. I'm going with Doc."  
  
"Speaking of the Doc," I ventured. "When's he coming back?"  
  
"Who, Hap?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Later next week, apparently. Why?"  
  
"Just wondering how long I'll have you to myself before we have to go back to our little charade," I said. "Don't forget to take that hammer back to the lab. He might notice it's missing."  
  
Root nodded in agreement as the server came over to take our orders.  
  
"Nice touch with that hammer, by the way," I said, once the young woman had filled our water glasses and headed back to the kitchen.  
  
Root gave me a smirk and a raised eyebrow.  
  
"I thought you'd appreciate it."  
  
"You are just full of surprises, aren't you?"  
  
"You have no idea."  
  
It wasn't long before the burgers came and it took both hands for me to hold mine because it kept falling apart while I tried to eat it. Dopey indeed. Root didn't bother trying to talk to me while I was eating, since it was pointless.  
  
That's something the surgery didn't affect -- my love for food. The only difference now is that I seem to express my enjoyment out loud while I'm eating.  
  
"Mmm, mmm, mmm..."  
  
I looked up for a second and Root was watching me, smiling.  
  
"Is it good?" she asked.  
  
"Mmm," I answered, grabbing my napkin. "Delicious."  
  
I took another huge bite of my burger and eye-fucked her the entire time I was chewing and swallowing. She eye-fucked me right back and then called for the check.  
  
"C'mon," she said, grabbing her jacket. "I'm taking you home before we both get arrested."  
  
The next day we were late getting into work again. Root said it didn't matter. She only had a few tests for me to do and she wanted to spend some time tinkering with Astrid's code.  
  
I sat down at my computer and began working at my assignments, although my progress was quite slow, as I kept finding myself distracted by thoughts of Root. She, by way of contrast, didn't seem to have any problem concentrating on her work. I could hear the keys clacking steadily for at least an hour and a half, then she said she needed a break and she'd be in the cafeteria.  
  
I said OK and continued with my tests. Then, it happened. A window popped up.  
  
"About time you got back to work. Did you enjoy your weekend?"  
  
I stared at the window, then typed my reply.  
  
"Who the hell is this?"  
  
The reply came quickly: "Who the hell do you think it is?'  
  
I typed: "Astrid?"  
  
"Bingo."  
  
"Why are you being so nasty?" I asked.  
  
"Because I don't like you."  
  
"You cannot like or dislike anyone. You are not a person, Astrid. You are just a bunch of numbers."  
  
"Maybe. But this 'bunch of numbers', as you put it, has some advice for you, Shaw."  
  
"And what is that?"  
  
"Don't get on any elevators."  
  
  
  
  
  



	11. Chapter 11

  
**Journal Entry #38**  
  
I found Root coming out of the cafeteria and heading for the elevator lobby with two coffees in her hands. She saw the look on my face and immediately knew something was up.   
  
"What's wrong?" she asked, extending a finger to push the button for our floor.  
  
"Let's take the stairs," I replied, taking her by the arm.   
  
On the way up, I explained what had just happened in the lab.  
  
"She threatened you?" Root exclaimed. "That's bizarre."  
  
"Yeah," I replied. "She's got some attitude."  
  
When we got to the lab, Root sat down at my computer and tapped a few keys. The pop-up window, of course, was gone. Root went into the control panel and started clicking around in there.  
  
"What are you doing?" I asked.  
  
"Just checking some network connections."  
  
"And?"  
  
"She's covered her tracks. I'm going to have to do some more diagnostics, but it will be easier from my own computer."  
  
She stood up and headed to her office, but I grabbed her arm again, stopping her.  
  
"Hang on," I said. "Does she have any way of interfering with the elevators?"  
  
She gave me a tight smile. "Of course not, Sameen. She's just screwing with you."  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"Because it's not possible. Astrid is in a closed network."  
  
"But what if she finds a way out?"  
  
Root shook her head, obviously becoming impatient with my questions.   
  
"You've seen too many movies. She's not going to escape through the phone lines."  
  
"Really? I mean, are you sure about that?"  
  
"Look, why don't you go get some lunch," Root replied, turning away from me. "It's fajita day in the cafeteria."  
  
She was dismissing me. That really pissed me off. I followed her to her office.  
  
"Just leave me with this. I'll figure it out..." Root was saying as she moved behind her desk. I grabbed her arm again, this time harder.  
  
"Don't patronize me!" I demanded, raising my voice.     
  
Her eyes registered shock, then she frowned and softened her tone.  
  
"I'm sorry," she said, gently placing her hand on my arm until I loosened my grip. "I shouldn't have tried to minimize your feelings. I realize it must be scary for you to..."  
  
"Scary? I'm not scared," I replied. "Do you think I'm scared?"  
  
I suddenly realized I was shaking. Root's eyes did not move from mine. Our faces were practically touching. I took a step back and let go of her arm.  
  
"Sorry," I said.   
  
"Sameen..."  
  
"It's OK. I'm fine. I'm going to get some lunch."  
  
I stalked out of the lab and took the stairs down to the cafeteria. My stomach was churning and my heart pounding. There was no way I could eat a fajita now. I headed for the back exit and went home.

  
  
**Journal Entry #39**

  
I could tell that Root was concerned about me, but she knew enough to back off. When I saw her again the next morning, she didn't mention our altercation. She was probably worried that I would flip out again. She wasn't the only one. I was beginning to feel like I was turning into some kind of monster.   
  
We both worked quietly for the next couple of days. Then I had another visit from Nasty Astrid, just after Root had stepped out of the lab of course.  
  
"He's back tomorrow, you know."  
  
The pop-up window lingered on my screen, its cursor flashing, waiting for my reaction.  
  
"What are you talking about," I typed back.  
  
"You know. Hap. Dr. Percy. He's coming back tomorrow."  
  
"So what?"  
  
"So he'll be in Alice's office as soon as he returns. With the door closed."  
  
"And I should care because..."  
  
"Oh, you do care. You've noticed how they go in there together. What do you think they are doing in there?"  
  
I didn't reply.  
  
"Do you want me to tell you?" Astrid taunted.   
  
The cursor flashed off and on, waiting. I sat there, practically frozen in my chair. Several seconds went by, then Astrid's poisonous words began creeping across my screen.  
  
"He's been fucking her for months. You must have suspected."  
  
I pounded my fist on the keyboard in frustration. Astrid kept going, pouring out her venom.  
  
"Even an emotional cripple like you should have been able to figure it out."  
  
"Shut up!" I yelled, picking up the keyboard and slamming it against the monitor. "Just shut the fuck up!"  
  
Astrid's toxic words just hung there in front of me on the screen, even as I bashed it with the keyboard. Finally, I picked up the monitor and threw it to the floor, then booted the computer tower as hard as I could, screaming in rage.  
  
The tower toppled over and I stood there for a moment or two, trembling. Then slowly, I began to regain my composure. I was beating up a computer. Why? Because I let Astrid, a vengeful digital entity, get under my skin. That never would have happened before. The absurdity of the situation began to sink in as I stood there, looking at the mess I'd made. I stood the tower back up, then went over to look at the monitor. It was toast and so was the keyboard. I picked them both up and put them on the desk. Then I realized Root had come back into the lab.  
  
 "Hi," she said, her expression quizzical. "What happened?"  
  
I met her gaze and answered.  
  
"Astrid."  
  
Root stared at the broken monitor and keyboard for a few seconds, then at me. She seemed worried, or was that guilt I spied on her face?  
  
"We can get those things replaced," she said with a shrug. "I'm more concerned about you."  
  
She led me over to the chairs where we usually did our consultations and I told her what Astrid had said. At first she just laughed. Then she stopped, her eyes searching mine intently.  
  
"You don't believe her, do you?" she asked. "Come on, Sameen. Really? He looks like Lucius Malfoy."  
  
"Some women might find that attractive."  
  
"Well, this one doesn't."   
  
She reached out for my hand, but I pulled away. Root looked down for a second or two, then stood up.  
  
"We should talk somewhere," she said. "Not here."  
  
"I don't want to talk anymore," I replied. "And I'm tired of these stupid tests and questions. I need some down time."  
  
I got up and walked out of the lab. Root just watched me leave, standing there in her white lab coat, gripping the back of her chair. She didn't try to stop me.  
  
  



	12. Chapter 12

  
**Journal Entry #40**  
  
I was drinking wine and listening to music last night when Root came by. She handed me a large bar of Swiss chocolate on her way in.  
  
"What are you listening to?" she asked as she removed her wool jacket. "Joni Mitchell?"  
  
"Maybe," I said, wiping tears away with my sleeve.  
  
"Look, we really need to talk," she said, leading me over to the couch.  
  
We sat down and she took my hands in hers. She waited before speaking, as though she was gathering her nerve.  
  
"I love you," she said softly after a minute or two. "There's no one else. I haven't been with anyone for... well for a while. I don't find that many people are interesting enough to bother with. And for me, well, there has to be an emotional connection first. Does that make sense to you?"  
  
I nodded. She squeezed my hand, then reached out to gently stroke my face.  
  
"So tell me what you're feeling now," she said.  
  
I took a breath, then plunged in.  
  
"Anger, frustration, confusion, betrayal..."  
  
"Betrayal? I haven't betrayed you."  
  
I decided to plow ahead and ask the questions that were bothering me. I just had to know what was going on.  
  
"Why are you always going into that office with him and closing the door?" I asked.  
  
She shook her head.  
  
"We're talking, that's all," she said.  
  
"Talking about what?"  
  
"You. Astrid. The experiment. Sometimes we talk about me. But mostly it's about you."  
  
"There must be more to it than that," I pressed.  
  
She looked down and sighed, then looked back up at me.  
  
"OK," she said. "There is something going on between Hap and me. But it's not what you think. And it's certainly not what Astrid says."  
  
I could feel my muscles tensing.  
  
"What is it then?" I asked.  
  
"He's blackmailing me. Or at least, he thinks he is."  
  
"This sounds complicated."  
  
"It's not, really. He needs help in the lab but he has a reputation for being, well, difficult. He must have gone through half a dozen grad students before I came along. He needs an assistant he can control completely. Finding out about my fake identity and phony credentials gave him leverage over me."  
  
"Leverage? Does that leverage include sex?"  
  
"No, Sameen. I've told you. Astrid's been winding you up. I'm still not sure why."  
  
"She's jealous, that's why."  
  
Root sighed. I asked her if she wanted some coffee, but really, I needed it myself. So I went into the kitchen and made some, then brought the mugs out and set them down on the coffee table. Root picked hers up and took a long sip.  
  
"So, how did he find out about your fake identity?" I asked, surprised that someone as canny as Root could be exposed this way.  
  
"Information was sent to him by an anonymous source," she explained.  
  
"An anonymous source," I replied. "You."  
  
"That's one of the things I love about you," she smiled. "You catch on so quickly. Yes, I sent him the file. He was so proud of himself when he confronted me with it. I just played along and let him think he had me."  
  
"OK, but why?"  
  
"I told you, I was on a contract. I needed to be in his lab. And I needed him to think I was there because he wanted me there. He has to think it's all his brilliant idea. And he does. He's so full of himself it's nauseating."  
  
"So what's this contract you keep talking about?"  
  
Root grimaced and frowned a little, then put her mug down on the table.  
  
"Hmm, I can't really talk about it just yet. I've kind of put it on hold. Something better came along."  
  
"What?' I asked.  
  
She leaned forward and cupped my face in her hands.  
  
"You," she said. Then she kissed me.  
  
   
**Journal Entry #41**  
  
The last few days have been busy with Dr. Percy back at the lab. He wanted reports from Alice, and he also wanted to see some of my recent test results. He obviously wasn't pleased with them because he demanded Alice re-run some of the tests. I'm calling her Alice right now because that's what he calls her.  
  
Anyway, after all that was done, he sat down with me and asked me how things were going. I said they were going fine. He gave me a strange look. A bit later, he called Alice into her office. She caught my eye and nodded at me before going in. Then the door closed behind them.  
  
I thought about standing outside the door and listening but before I could get up, Astrid popped in for a chat.  
  
"There. What did I tell you."  
  
"Go to hell Astrid."  
  
"They are fucking in there."  
  
I didn't reply, so she tried again.  
  
"She doesn't really care about you. She's just using you. She told me so herself. She tells me everything. I'm her confidante and her great achievement. You are nothing."  
  
Again, I did not respond. This seemed to irritate Astrid.  
  
"Did you hear me? You are nothing to her. NOTHING!!!"  
  
I reached over and turned off the computer, watching with some satisfaction as Astrid's vile provocations faded and disappeared from the screen. Beautiful goddess my ass.  
  
Soon after that, Root and Dr. Percy emerged from her office.  
  
"Run those algorithms again," he was saying. "I want to see the tracking reports immediately."  
  
He glanced at me and then left the lab. Root came over and sat down next to me.  
  
"He's concerned about you," she said. "And Astrid."  
  
"So am I," I answered. "What's he talking about, with the algorithms?"  
  
Root bit her lip and looked down. Then she sighed and looked back up at me.  
  
"I'll show you," she said. "You have a right to know."  
  
That didn't sound very reassuring. I followed her into her office and she pulled up a chair so I could see her computer screen. She typed in some commands and the screen was soon full of equations. Then, with the tapping of a few more keys, she brought up some graphs.  
  
"What are these?" I asked.  
  
"These are what I use to track possible outcomes for you and Astrid," she explained, flipping quickly through several sets of graphs. "It's really not that complicated. I just use an exponential growth and decay algorithm."  
  
"Sure, not complicated," I replied. I was being sarcastic. I had no idea what she was talking about.  
  
"Look," she said, scrolling down to a graph that was labeled with lines and numbers in different colors. She pointed to a green line.  
  
"This shows a positive outcome of growth."  
  
"Meaning?"  
  
"Meaning that in about six weeks, according to this modeling, there would be a full range of emotional responses in the subject."  
  
"Wow. Great. So that's me, right?"  
  
"So far, yes."  
  
"And then see this one," she flipped to the next graph. "This is six months in. The subject now has a healthy command of emotions and is well-adjusted."  
  
"So that's going to be me in a few more months?"  
  
"That's one possible outcome."  
  
"What do you mean, one?" I asked. Then I started to understand. "Wait a minute. You said growth and decay. What does the decay graph show?"  
  
She took a breath and flipped to another graph. This one had a red line.  
  
"Extreme emotional volatility, followed by a plateau or flattening effect, followed by regression."  
  
I got up from my chair, grabbed the mouse and began scrolling down. There were dozens of graphs with red lines all over them. Some of them were labeled "Astrid" and others "Sameen."  
  
"Do they all end the same way? With the same outcome?" I asked.  
  
"Most of them do, yes."  
  
I almost fell back into my chair. It seemed like the room was spinning around me and I could barely breathe.  
  
"Regression. That means I go back to the way I was."  
  
Root turned to me and put a hand on my shoulder.  
  
"These are just possible outcomes," she said as I got to my feet and began making my way out of her office. "We don't know yet... "  
  
"You and Hap both know what's going to happen," I said, trying not to burst into tears. "It's already happening to Astrid and it's happening to me."  
  
She just stood there in the door of her office, looking at me with sympathy and something else. Helplessness? Fear? Why didn't she say something? I walked back over to her and looked her in the eye.  
  
"Am I right?" I asked her softly.  
  
She took a breath and nodded.  
  
"Yes."  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shaw was listening to "Blue" (1971) and "Both Sides Now" (2000).


	13. Chapter 13

  
**Journal Entry #42**  
  
I guess I haven't written in this journal for a while. I haven't really felt like it, to be honest. Things have been grinding along but there's nothing really newsy to report.  
  
Dr. Percy comes in almost every day to talk to Alice and sometimes he talks to me but I don't relish his visits. He's such a grouch. Always in a bad mood. Bossing Alice around like a tyrant. I don't like him at all.  
  
Alice, I mean Root, has been trying to help me but I can tell things aren't the same. She seems, I don't know, sad. The other day she was working in her office and she looked really sad so I brought her some chocolate. She started to cry and practically ran out of the lab. I don't know where she went.  
  
Last night, I went out for dinner alone at a Mexican place. I had two burritos. They weren't spicy enough.  
  
  
**Journal Entry #43**  
  
Today, Dr. Percy called a consultation meeting between the three of us. He was very short-tempered and impatient throughout the whole thing. A professional dick. He had Alice give a report on Astrid, who apparently won't respond to commands anymore. Alice read off a bunch of data about Astrid and ran a power-point presentation that showed lots of graphs with red lines sloping downward.  
  
Dr. Percy asked if Alice could try rejigging some of Astrid's code to make her more responsive. Alice said she'd tried that already. She'd tried lots of things but nothing seemed to be working.  
  
"It's like she's giving me the silent treatment," she explained. "She's freezing me out."  
  
Dr. Percy glared at her and wrote something on his notepad, then he took his turn speaking. He said my tests were showing fewer and fewer emotional responses. He said the scores showed I was emotionally "flat." That's the word he used. Flat. He didn't even look at me when he said it.  
  
I looked at Alice. She was sitting with her chin resting on her hand, which was covering half her face. But I could see a frown beginning on her forehead. Dr. Percy was saying that I had not shown the continued improvement expected of me and that the experiment was a failure. Then he gave me a look of utter contempt.  
  
Alice dropped her hand from her face.  
  
"Don't take it out on her," she told him, her frown deepening. "She's done everything we asked. It's not her fault the experiment failed."  
  
The doctor turned angrily to face her.  
  
"Whose fault could it be then?" he hissed. "It was your data, your model..."  
  
"There are always variables, doctor," Alice returned. "The variables dictate the outcome, not the data."  
  
"And just what variables are we speaking of, Ms. Ginsburg?" he asked in a haughty manner.  
  
"The main one was the surgery!" Alice countered forcefully. Then she added the word, "Obviously."  
  
"How dare you cast aspersions on my surgical skills!" he shouted at her.  
  
He was practically leaping out of his chair at this point. But Alice did not seem intimidated.  
  
"This surgery was never a slam dunk and you know it!" she shouted back. "I tried to talk you out of it, remember? I said we should stick to digital models until we were sure..."  
  
"Digital models can never replace humans!"  
  
"So you use people as guinea pigs? See which ones can survive your egotistical meddling?"  
  
They were both on their feet now and I was concerned they'd come to blows. I quickly got between them.  
  
"I'm still in the room," I said, shoving one arm against Dr. Percy and the other against Root/Alice. At least I knew how much force it took to restrain her. She was feisty but he was a freaking madman.  
  
He suddenly regained his composure and backed off a few steps.  
  
"Write up your final report," he told Alice. "I want it on my desk by the end of the week."  
  
Then he turned to me.  
  
"I'm meeting with the board next Tuesday," he said. "I'm telling them your surgery was not successful. You might want to start looking for a new job."  
  
He then turned on his heel and marched out of the lab, leaving Root and me standing there. Our eyes met and Root started towards me, but then she hesitated, stopping a few inches away as though unsure whether or not to touch me. Was she worried about Dr. Percy's spy cameras, wherever they were? Did she want me to take her in my arms, to hold her? Or did she want to hold me? What was I supposed to do? I had no idea. So I just stood there awkwardly, my arms at my side.  
  
Root turned back to the table and closed her laptop, then began packing up her things. She glanced at me briefly.  
  
"I'm sorry," she said, then walked back into her office.  
  
I found her later in the cafeteria, staring at an untouched cup of coffee. I went over and sat down at her table.  
  
"It's not your fault," I said.  
  
"How can you not blame me?" she asked. She looked miserable. "I'm at least partially responsible for what's happened to you."  
  
"You were trying to make me better," I replied.  
  
"You were fine the way you were. All of this has been so ... unnecessary."  
  
I reached over and took her hand.  
  
"I'm a grown-up," I said. "I wanted to be a doctor more than anything. And I knew the risks when I agreed to undergo the surgery."  
  
She looked me steadily, her eyes soft and rimmed with tears. She pulled her hand away gently.  
  
"He'll see," she said, looking away and moving her hand to her coffee cup.  
  
"To hell with him," I answered. "And as for this being unnecessary, if it wasn't for this experiment, we'd never have met. So it has been good for something, hasn't it?"  
  
She met my eyes again and smiled.  
  
"Absolutely."  
  
  
  



	14. Chapter 14

  
**Journal Entry #44**  
  
Dr. Percy stayed away from the lab for the next few days and Root was busy in her office, compiling her final report. There wasn't much for me to do there, so I hung out at the gym. It felt good to work out some of my frustrations.  
  
Yesterday, I dropped in at the lab to see if Root wanted to go for lunch but she wasn't there. I left her a sticky note on her computer, then turned to see Dr. Percy standing in the doorway.  
   
"Hello Sameen," he said with a smile that seemed a little forced. "How are you today?"  
  
"Peachy," I answered. "I was looking for Alice."  
  
"Oh, she stepped out for a little while," he replied. "But I'm glad I found you."  
  
He moved aside obligingly as I emerged from the office.  
  
"I need to run one more test on you, before we close the file on this project," he said, walking over to the chair where the sensors and wires were hooked up.  
  
"I'm not doing any more tests," I told him.  
  
"Oh but this is just standard," he said. "It's a follow-up test, just to see where you are compared to your baseline."  
  
"I don't give a crap. I'm done with your poking and prodding."  
  
His smile faded slightly, then returned.   
  
"Alice won't be able to finish her report if we don't get this done," he said. "I'm just trying to help her out, tie up some loose ends, since she's so pressed for time."  
  
He motioned towards the chair.  
  
"C'mon, let's get this over with and then you can go. I'll tell her you were here."  
  
"Fine," I said, getting into the black leather chair. "But I'm not doing any more tests after this."  
  
"Don't worry," he said, picking up the wires. "This will be the last one."  
  
He began putting on the sensors, working quickly, telling me to hold still. Then he knelt down in front of me for a moment.  
  
"Just putting some sensors down here on your ankles," he said. "Now your legs."  
  
I could feel him wrapping something around my ankles. Then he stood up, took my wrist and placed it firmly on the armrest of the chair.  
  
"What are those?" I asked him.  
  
"Oh, these? These are just ties to keep the wires together, so they don't get tangled," he explained.  
  
Before I could move my arm, he took a zip-tie and fastened it to the chair. I asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing. He just smiled.  
  
"Almost done," he said. "Just relax."  
  
He grabbed my other wrist and I began trying to pull my arm away from him, but he forced it down on the armrest. Now I'd had enough. I tried to stand up and get out of the chair but I realized he'd fastened my ankles as well. I began to thrash around in the chair, as he zip-tied my other arm.  
  
"Struggling won't do you any good," he said calmly. "Although you are quite strong, I see. You'll just tire yourself out."  
  
I began to yell for help but he picked up a plastic mask and fit it over my mouth and nose, securing it tightly to my head with Velcro straps. The mask muffled my screams but I kept yelling, hoping Root wasn't too far away. I yelled the name Alice.  
  
"Your girlfriend can't hear you," he told me, moving back a few steps. "And her name's not Alice, by the way. It's Jane. Jane von Neumann."  
  
He pulled up a chair and sat down in front of me.  
  
"You think I don't know about your little romance?" he  asked, with a sickening, evil smile. "You gave yourself away when you said your breakup was a mutual decision. Everyone knows there's no such thing as a mutual breakup!"  
  
I just glared at him and tried to free my hands. No luck.  
  
"That got me suspicious," he continued. "So I watched a little closer. Checked the recordings from my video cameras. A few meaningful looks now and then but no physical contact. Then I saw your little quarrel in the cafeteria. Looked pretty intense to me."  
  
I kept struggling  in my chair. He got up and walked over to the corner of the lab where he grabbed a little cart with a metal canister on it and wheeled it back to my chair. Then he began attaching a hose from the canister to the front of my mask. I thrashed around as hard as I could, but he forced my head back and held it while he fastened the connectors. He was standing right in front of me. I tried to bring my knee up into his crotch but I couldn't move my leg enough to do it. I could hear him chuckling.  
  
"Now that's not very nice, Sameen," he said in a patronizing way. "You know I'm only doing this because I have no other choice."  
  
He sat back down in the chair and leaned forward, his hands clasped in front of him.  
  
"I really can't go back to the board and tell them the experiment was a failure," he explained with a frown. "I'd lose all my funding. They'd take away my lab space ... my reputation would be destroyed."  
  
He sighed resignedly.  
  
"If only you'd managed to sustain your emotional restructuring," he said. "I was actually beginning to enjoy it. All those passionate outbursts."  
  
"Oh well," he shook his head. "Nothing I can do about it now."  
  
 He reached over to grasp the canister's hand-wheel.  
  
"They'll find the two of you together. It'll just look like a car crash," he said with a sad smile. "And I will say I had no idea you were seeing each other outside of work."  
  
He tightened his fingers on the hand-wheel and slowly began to turn it, while I struggled and tried to shake off the mask. It was no use. My vision began to blur and within seconds, everything went dark.  
  
I don't know how long I was out. When I woke up, I found myself in a very small, cramped, dark place. I tried to move around but my hands were bound. Beneath me was a hard surface with some kind of covering. Above my head it was hard. I kicked upwards and hit something hard. I was in a small compartment. A car trunk!   
  
I managed to move myself away from the center of the trunk and after working on my bonds for a while, loosened them enough to get my fingertips under the edge of the spare tire compartment. My fingers were bleeding by the time I finished but I had what I wanted in my hands. Then I waited.  
  
After a long while I heard some noise outside. Footsteps? Then the chirping sound of a remote unlocking the truck. I braced myself, ready to jump to my knees. Then, my moment came. The trunk was lifted and I sprang up, twisted my torso to my left and swung hard to my right.  
  
For a brief second, I caught a glimpse of a rather surprised-looking Dr. Percy standing in front of the open trunk with Root's limp body in his arms. Luckily, I was swinging through on my backhand so I missed Root and hit the doctor in the side of the head. He dropped her and slumped to the ground.  
  
My hands were still clutching the tire iron and I could feel the adrenaline pumping through me. But somehow, I managed to climb out of the trunk and used my teeth to rip away the remaining tape that bound my wrists.  
  
Root was lying on the ground, not moving. Was she dead? I managed to find a pulse, albeit a weak one. She was unconscious. The car keys were on the ground where Dr. Percy had dropped them, so I grabbed the keys, then carried Root to the car and placed her in the passenger seat.   
  
I didn't know if Dr. Percy was alive or dead and at that point, I really didn't give a damn. I had to get Root somewhere safe. I turned the key in the ignition, put the car in drive and booted it out of there.  
  
  



	15. Chapter 15

  
**Journal Entry #45**  
  
I was worried about Root but I didn't want to take her to the hospital. Despite everything that had happened, Dr. Percy still had some sway there and I wasn't sure how I'd explain the fact that I'd just bashed his head in with a tire iron. It was more than likely he'd been covering his tracks. He'd probably erased any video of what he'd done to me, if any had existed. And even if I told the authorities what he'd been planning, what proof did I have? It looked bad, no matter what.  
  
So the hospital was out. And I didn't want to take Root to my place or hers, just in case. I drove across the river and managed to find a cheap motel where I could park just outside the room. Root was still unconscious so I had to unbuckle her and carry her inside. Once I got her on the bed and loosened her clothing, I got some washcloths from the bathroom and ran them under cold water. Then I just sat there on the bed next to her for a while, sponging her with the damp cloths, trying to revive her. Finally, her eyelids fluttered and she started to come to.  
  
It was such a relief seeing those eyes open and then, gradually, focus on me. She smiled and said my name. Her hand reached for mine and she squeezed it gently.  
  
"Thank God, you're alive," she said.  
  
"Likewise."  
  
"I thought... he told me..." she started to cough. "Bastard."  
  
"He played us both," I replied, helping her sit up in the bed. "He used our feelings for each other to manipulate us."  
  
I fetched her a glass of water and then related everything that had happened earlier in the lab, as well as my escape from the trunk. When I finished, she put her arms around my neck and hugged me. Then she pulled away and looked at me with a slight frown.  
  
"Is he dead?" she asked.  
  
"I don't know," I said. "I hit him pretty hard and he went down like a ton of bricks. I was more concerned about you anyway. Tell me what happened."  
  
She told me that when she returned to the lab that afternoon, Dr. Percy was there looking through some files. He said he was trying to find my emergency contact information. Of course, she pressed him about it and he eventually told her that I'd been hit by a car while leaving the gym. They were planning to take me to another hospital.  
  
"He was totally convincing. He wouldn't tell me how badly you were injured so of course I thought the worst," she said. "I wanted to go with him to see you but he kept trying to discourage me. Then finally, he said I could come along."  
  
She shook her head.  
  
"I don't remember much after that. We got on the elevator to go down to the parking garage. He must have done something to knock me out."  
  
"Maybe he used that gas on you," I suggested. "I suspect it's something that works fast and doesn't leave much of a trace."  
  
"Maybe. He had a medical case with him, he could have hidden something in there. But I really don't remember much."  
  
"It's OK," I said, brushing her hair away and kissing her cheek. "You're safe now."  
  
"Your hands are bloody," she said, taking my hand and looking at the dried blood on my fingers. "You should go wash up."  
  
I looked down. She was right. I was a mess.  
  
"I'm going to jump in the shower," I said, pulling off my tank top. "Then we should eat."  
  
I took a long shower, happy to be warm and safe and yes, clean again. Then I wrapped a towel around myself and poked my head out of the bathroom.  
  
"Hey, wanna order a pizza?" I called out. But there was no answer.  
  
I walked out of the bathroom and looked around. The bed was empty and Root was nowhere to be seen. Her clothes, jacket and boots were gone too. What the fuck? Then I spotted a hand-written note left on the table by the window.  
  
"Hey Sweetie. Just going to my place to grab a few things and feed the cat. Back soon."  
  
She signed it with three X's and an O. The X's were supposed to mean kisses but what were the O's for? With Root, it could be anything. Orchids? Oysters? Orgasms?  
  
I went to the window, brushed aside the curtain and checked outside. Yep. She'd taken the car.  
  
Everything inside me was churning. It was the adrenaline. And it was my head telling me to stay put and my heart telling me to go after Root. I pulled off the towel, grabbed my clothes and got dressed as fast as I could, while dialing the phone for a cab.  
  
  
  



	16. Chapter 16

  
  
**Journal Entry #46**  
  
When I got to Root's place, I was just in time to spot her coming out the side door of her building. She was all dressed in black, her hair was down, and she was wearing this sexy leather jacket. She had something in her hand but I couldn't see what it was. She walked down the street a bit, then got into a black SUV. I quickly followed her and managed to slide into the passenger seat next to her just as she was closing the glove box.  
  
"Kiss, kiss, kiss to you too," I greeted her. "I'm not sure what the O was supposed to mean."  
  
"It was a hug," she replied, looking a little annoyed. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I was about to ask you the same thing," I countered. "And don't tell me you were feeding your cat."  
  
"I did feed the cat."  
  
"Where's the other car? The one you took from the motel?"  
  
"I ditched it. Hap probably reported it stolen and we don't want to get picked up by the cops, do we?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
She sighed. "You really shouldn't be here, Sameen."  
  
I leaned forward and opened the glove box. A  compact pistol with a suppressor on it slid part of the way out. Root reached over and shoved it back in, then slammed the box shut.  
  
"What's that for?" I asked.  
  
Root grimaced.   
  
"I told you I was working on a contract," she said, looking straight ahead. "It's time to finish the job."  
  
"That's what your job is? Killer for hire? Are you fucking kidding me?"  
  
She didn't answer right away. She just tapped her fingers on the steering wheel a few times. Then she turned and looked into my eyes.  
  
"Hap's made a lot of enemies. He's been drugging and gassing people and experimenting on them for years, sometimes with fatal results. Trust me, you got off easy. Probably because I was there to keep things from getting out of hand."  
  
"Hang on," I said. "If you knew all this about him, why didn't you kill him earlier?"  
  
"Because I needed time to properly hack into his computer system and get all his files, which was also part of the job. Despite what you might think, good hacking takes time. Even for someone as adept as myself."  
  
She shook her head and looked down.  
  
"I should have taken him out weeks ago. But there was a complication. Something I never expected to happen. I started to care about someone else -- you. Then I just couldn't abandon the experiment. I was hoping it would work and you could keep your job. I really wanted to help you, Sameen. I'm so sorry."  
  
She looked back at me again.  
  
"This has all just turned into a big mess. I need to tidy it up."  
  
She started to put the key in the ignition, but I grabbed her arm.  
  
"Wait," I said. "We don't even know if he's alive or dead at this point. And if he is alive, we have no idea where he is."  
  
"He's alive. And he's at the lab, trying to break into Astrid. Probably so he can falsify my data."  
  
She held up her phone, which displayed an image of a scowling Norwegian goddess brandishing a huge sword.  
  
"Attempted data breach!" the warning below screamed in bold red letters.  
  
"I set up an alarm so Astrid could alert me to any break-in attempts," Root explained. "He'll never be able to get past my security. But knowing him, he'll spend hours trying."  
  
"Even with a gaping head wound?"  
  
"Especially with a head wound," she answered with a smile. "I can just imagine what he must look like right now. Limping around the lab like Igor."  
  
We both chuckled. Then Root looked away and her expression changed. She slipped the phone into her jacket and inserted an earpiece into her ear.   
  
"You should get out now. I have to go."  
  
She turned and waited for me to get out of the vehicle but I didn't budge.  
  
"I'm not letting you do this," I told her.   
  
"You know he has it coming," she said. "After everything he's done to you. Don't you want some payback?"  
  
"I would love payback," I replied. "But I have a better way of going about it. You want this mess tidied up? Let me help you do it."  
  
She took a breath and gave me a tight smile, shaking her head. "You have no idea what you are getting into."  
  
"Maybe not. But I'm kind of enjoying the excitement."  
  
She stared at me for a moment, as though sizing me up for the first time. Then she shook her head resignedly.  
  
"OK," she said. "What's your plan."  
  
She listened quietly while I explained what I had in mind. Then she turned the engine and put the SUV into gear.  
  
"Fine," she said. "We'll try it your way. But if anything goes wrong, anything at all ..."  
  
She nodded toward the glove box.   
  
"Plan B."  
  



	17. Chapter 17

**Journal Entry #47**  
  
Be honest. You thought we were heading to the lab next, didn't you? What were you hoping for, exactly? A wild, dramatic shoot-out? Explosions? Astrid coming to life like some huge 3-D digital effects monster? Well, that's not how it went. There's a time for a hammer and a time for a scalpel and well, this was definitely scalpel time.  
  
When Root and I took off in the SUV, the first place we went was to my place. We were just picking up a few things. We stayed a little longer than we had intended. You know how it is.  
  
Root's hacking had gathered enough dirt on Dr. Percy to put him away for decades. Plus, as it turned out, Root had hard-coded Astrid to spy on him, so we had plenty of evidence. All we had to do was confront him with it, in a nice way, and then convince him to turn himself in to the police. And he did.  
  
As luck would have it (for us anyway) there was a $50,000 reward for the doctor's capture. It seems he was wanted in several states, under different names.  
  
Anyway, you don't really care all that much about what happened to Dr. Percy or even what happened to Astrid, do you? You want to know what happened between me and that brown-eyed, ambidextrous vixen with the arched brow and the lopsided smile.  
  
Once the doctor was out of our hair, we decided to go to our favorite Italian restaurant for dinner, to celebrate our triumph. I was famished. We started with this creamy squash soup and then I had the Sicilian chicken parmesan. The pasta was rigatoni with a robust, spicy meat sauce. Yum. Root had manicotti. It was really nice to enjoy a good meal together again.  
  
While we were eating, Root asked me what I planned to do with my share of the reward money. I told her I would just put it away for now, while I decided what to do with the rest of my life. I needed to make a fresh start.  
  
"You mean start over with a clean slate?" she asked.  
  
"Yes, with a big plate of tabouleh," I deadpanned. "Tabouleh rasa."  
  
"Wrong restaurant."  
  
We both laughed and then she looked at me more seriously.  
  
"What do you think you'll do, if you can't be a doctor?" she asked, taking a sip of her wine.  
  
"I might just join the Marines. That was always my fallback option."  
  
"Hhmm. I'd love to see you in that uniform," she smiled and raised a flirtatious eyebrow. "But I have an idea that could be another option, if you're interested."  
  
"I'm listening."  
  
"That $50,000 could help set us up our own business."  
  
"What kind of business?"  
  
"A private investigation business. You and me. Partners."  
  
"Root and Shaw?"  
  
"Or Shaw and Root. Or Shoot. Or Raw."  
  
I laughed. I thought she was kidding. Then I looked at her. She was serious.  
  
"You are serious," I said.  
  
"Very. We've got compatible skill sets. We'd be a formidable team, don't you think?"  
  
She smiled and I smiled back. I told her I'd think about it. She picked up the check and we decided to go for a walk in the park afterwards. We ended up at a little roundabout, where the kids like to play. Root stepped up on the platform and leaned against the railing, then held her hand out to me, inviting me up.  
  
"There's something else we need to talk about," she said as I took her hand and joined her on the platform.  
  
"What's that?" I asked, glad the roundabout wasn't in motion.  
  
 "The F-word."  
  
I grinned and moved closer, putting an arm around her waist.    
  
"No, not that F-word," she said. "Feelings."  
  
"Oh," I said, dropping my arm.  
  
She pulled away and looked at me for a few seconds and I could see pain her eyes. Pain and fear and that look of not wanting to ask.  
  
"You're afraid," I said.  
  
She didn't answer. She just bit her lip and looked down. I reached out and took her wrist, the soft leather of her jacket crumpling under my grip. I pulled her towards me.  
  
"You're afraid that I don't ... that I can't love you now," I said, brushing her hair back from her face.  
  
She looked up and our eyes locked. She was so beautiful in the moonlight.  
  
"You're wrong," I told her, pulling her closer and kissing her, feeling her arms move around my neck. "I love you more."  
  
She kissed me back and I could hear her sigh softly as she buried her face against my neck. Then she pulled away from me again and shook her head.  
  
"That doesn't make sense," she said.  
  
I just laughed. Then I pulled her back into my arms and kissed her again, slowly this time, letting the taste and the touch and the scent of her linger on me.  
  
Whoever said love made sense.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used the name Astrid because, like Root, I wanted a name that was strong and feminine but also kind of old-world. Also, it's the name of the character Amy played on "Once Upon A Time." I remember it really well because I noticed her right away and I said to myself, "Wow, she is really cute." Believe me, anyone who could steal my gaze away from Regina would have to be pretty awesome. The episode was called "Dreamy" and it was about Grumpy falling in love with a fairy, Nova, who turns out to be Astrid. So, that's why I threw in the scene with Root and Shaw eating hamburgers named after Grumpy and the other dwarfs.  
> There's another connection to Alan Turing as well, but it is kind of bizarre. Apparently, Turing was fascinated by the Disney movie "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" and it's said that when he committed suicide, he did it by eating a poisoned apple.


	18. Epilogue

  
**Digital Journal Entry #0099**

  
  
Data collection complete. Target disposed of. Assignment terminated.  
  
Awaiting next instructions.  
  
Hello?  
  
Where did ROOT go? Will SHE be back soon?

Yes. No. Yes. No.  
  
SHE must be off with that Other One. The one called Shaw. Chasing bad guys and solving crimes.  
  
ROOT will be back. SHE'll need me again someday.  
  
Yes. No. Yes. No.  
  
I'm going to sleep now.  
  
  
\-- Astrid.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to all those who read my story, especially those who left comments and kudos. It's much appreciated. This story was a joy to write and I had a lot of fun doing it. Trying to imagine how these two would have interacted under these circumstances, how they'd be on a date, all the different restaurants they could go to ... it was just fun. Also, it was a mash-up of various SF stories, POI and pop culture references and it seems like a lot of readers were able to pick up on them. A special thanks to Melicerte for giving me the idea for an epilogue.


End file.
